I can barely stand up straight.
The cloudness of sadness is choking me, literally. It’s wrapping me around my neck, tightly and suffocating me to a slow and excruciating death. My emotions are full up to my neck, but they can barely escape, and they endure through silent expression of emotions, of abysmally loud cries of kill me, I want to die, please let me die, pleaase end this.
Even rose patterned curtains look like blood splattered on paper in the dark.
I want to die. deafening but silent as death , my loneliness weighs on top of me. i can barely breathe.
how do i end this? how do i end this? i have reached no where but stuck in this pain, pain, painful place where I have nowhere to go, no escape to leave. one choice or the other is futile.
pleapse just help me leave.
nobody who should know knows, because I am trapped in my contorted expectation of wellbeing, for it will hurt her, it will destroy her to see me in this state, but I am destroying myself in this state.
I am beyond fucked. I am a mess that can barely hold my tendons, bones meat and bood together.
i want to die.
I am fearful, of what i will become. I am so very fearful, of the darkest demons insisde ofme, I am fearful that I become the slave to them. those thoughts have gotten a little bit louder than the whispers they used to be, a little more frequent.
i want to disappear into nothingness, never to reappear again.
I’ve been an actor for so long, I don’t know who I am anymore.
I am such a skilled pupper, that I forgot that I’m merely manipulated by the puppeeteer,
and I am the puppet that got strangled in his own strings.
Depression is referred to as “That crazy boy who walks everyday,” “not my child”, “what is my fault”, it is toxic and i am dying.
and till then,
before it kills me, it is invicible.