The tears finally flowed up. The clogged up drain is opened. I feel so much better.
Yet what floats up on is copious but not dangerous (yet) amounts of shame, fear, confusion, helplessness, which is considerablly lesspainful and wrath-inducing than the suffocating perils induced by suicidal thoughts, tension, violent stabbing thoughts.
It’s not pain. It’s a defense mechanism to escape from the complicatedness and intricacies of first and foremost shame, guilt, anger, hatred, and numbness. Of invalidation, of a direct rejection from the only person you care about in this world.
It comes and it goes. When it goes there is a little relief, a little normalcy resumed, then it comes in a little warning of irritability and anger, which culminates in death and violence.
Particularularly with knives and stabbing.
What the actual fuck happened.
I am losing my sanity. I am losing my mind. The way my mind goes into extremes I am so so so so so fearful. I am going to become crazy.
And she will blame me and I will blame me and she will blame herself and she will die and I will die and I will die of guilt.
I should’ve never ever met you Sei I should have never talk to you.
My brain cells are reducing I can feel it.
Am I seeing things now
I do visualise murder alot.
At the core of it all I am so very alone. I am so so how do you tell people this thoughts of yours. Nobody would want to hear this ever.a part of me that shall never see the light. That’s why people are paid to hear this shit. In darkness it hides, in darkness I remain.
And my grip is slippery.
In search of abyss
In search of escape from
The mask that I wear.
It is consuming me.
Anything. A drug. A cigarette. Anything.
Please numb me from this pressure pressimg down onme.
I can’t take it anymore.
*Can anybody hear me*
A deafening but silent
Cry for help.
To no one, because someone will hurt you with it. Somehow or another. Always.
Perhaps it might one day be of my good fortune,
That all I had was tears, as my loyal companion.