tremor database 20-2-18

Onset: unknown, but usually when I’m thinking, feeling any form of emotion, of the negative valence, but sometimes occur without any emotions.

During: Production of noises from the throat(ie low pitch, ba ba), tongue movement (making farting noises), open and closing movement of mouth.

Sometimes twitches of cheek exist, left and right.

Cannot stop, it gets worse if i forcefully try to stop it, becomes more exaggerated, neck extends forward, jaw opens more, neck tension more.

After- Almost always, a feeling of sadness, tension lingering at the neck.

Today, went counselling, took a pill. C said to write everyday, meditate more frequently, and do things that make me happy more i think i cant remember. pill effects can feel, immediate release in tension, getting sleepier.

From today, i cried because, again, I realise that it was okay (I didn’t need any permission to feel okay) about the current relationship that i have with her, its okay that im feeling like unconfortable telling her things, it’s okay to feel comfortable with opening up so little, it’s okay:)

i realise i am very negative . pyng laughed and i straight away felt bad that shes laughing at my twitches but she was laughing at other things.

Today was an awful day, woke up in the morning feeling really bad, not sure why, just very sinking, heavy and sad, and I was in bed for around 1-2 hours more, and i felt vibrational when i did the phang meditation. Like i felt all the atoms in my body. i just felt excess energy, like an electric fence with too high voltage coursing through.

Yesterday I felt accomplished, did many things like any other student, and today I did much less, but I spent much more time with myself, though mostly involved feeling awful, trying to get out of it, finding a glimmer of hope from distance and spaces away from the noise, feeling better, and falling into it again. A cycle.

Three am and I can’t sleep third time in the current mid week. And third week like that. Even after meds, doesn’t seem to have an effect on me in sleep inducing. My mind is more powerfullol.

 

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Striving to be the great in everyone.

What do you expect yourself to be

What happens when you fail to meet these expectatitonts.

You get very angry at yourself, that it is unacceptable that you don’t meet them, why? because everyone else can do that why can’t you?!!!!!!! How could you not be like Irene in terms of saving money, how can’t you be like Matthew in terms of fitness, how can’t you be like Sze in terms of empathy? How can’t you be like Andy  in terms of squash , or how come you can’t be good like Amber, how come you can’t keep your keys like everyone else, how come you can’t drive like everyone else? how come you cant keep your room tidy, and your floor clean, and your bed nice, and your discipline .

But is that true that you can be adulting like Irene, and fit like Matthew, and on point like Valerie, and got shit together like Joey and everything together, you think you God ah?

You are holding yourself to perfect standards and beating the crap out of yourself for not being able to reach those standards, but are you being realistic? Can you accept that you are imperfect? That you are good and bad. You are expecting yourself to be good, to everyone, at all times, and nothing less. Why are you being so hard on yourself? Why must you be so good? your mum already say its okay for you to mediocre, as long as youo’re happy. Why do you have to be so hard on yourself?

Because I have to be so good and special, if not I will be left out, nobody will pay attention to me, nobody will care about me, and that I am nothing without being good and perfect. And this always happens in conversations as well, where you always must appear as you know what happens, and you always must have the insight and bigger idea of what is happening to you. You cannot let it be as,,,,sometimes I just dont know or that sometimes i am imperfect. Most importantly, it is to shield yourself from feeling the worthlessness you feel within. Striving so hard to create an identity for myself.

And first things first, you look at everyone’s good and don’t consider or do not have enough information on to get a balanced picture of what are their weakness, and I do not blame you, because everyone strives to present their best selves, and which is why you felt completely awful, when you were crying yesterday.

I’m not sure why am I still feeling so sad, and cmon it’s been 4 days!!!! i should stop crying and being ridiculously in pain already wtf. Understand by saying this, you are really not accepting your painm and is a form of rejection of it because of the view that you are strong, and strong perfect people don’t feel pain for more than one day, where did that notion even come fr o m> You are you and you are allowed to feel depressed and sad for as long as you want, and I;m giving you the permission to do that.

sometimes i write all these, and i dont even know the truth anymore, because its likle part of me knows, part of me doesnt, but i still don;t feel released, and why is that so? what does it take for me to reach that form of understanding that releases me?

 

 

 

 

What an awful day

Today is such an awful day and it seems like everything is going wrong. I feel in myself a lot of resentment and anger on when others do not behave in the ways I deem acceptable, such as not being apologetic enough, or having more empathy. And I feel alot of resentment and even to the extent of hatred, and I am not sure why such strong feelings are invoked and I am very upset, and just feeling low and unhappy, and everything else that does not work today becomes amplified and becomes such an annoying burden to my day and my already upset mood and affect.

I’m not sure why but there seems to be some form of sticky-icky attachment, and just plenty of anger and resentment within that is reaching a boiling point. I acknowledge this feelings, but I can’t help that I really have to get back to meditation to avoid that feeling of loss in life.

I guess I’m feeling this way because I am looking for someone to fill SzeWei’s shoes, and that wanting to fill the gap is making me so emotionally unbalanced and disturbed in all its intensity of reactions. I’m feeling really tense, in the neck region, facial muscles taut, really tired in my eyes, and my breathing is short and terse. I’m very angry. Fire burning with hatred at that uncaring, unempathetic, disconnected person that I want to be caring, empathetic, kind and gentle to me!! Bloody hell, that is unacceptable and I am extremely unhappy and I am whining like a little baby here but I don’t know what to do and I am very very angry!!(and starting to type like Trump’s Tweets!!!!!!!!!!) but she doesn’t care, she doesn’t give two shits, all she only cares for is her chinese music videos, her food, her cats, and her life and herself!!!!!!!!!!!!I want her to care for me, I want her to ask me questions like are you okay, i want her to react when i tell her something negative with “it’s going to be okay don’t worry”- not just say oh ok and watch her videos. I want her to say I’m so sorry I have an ointment that could help with your itch, instead of “okay”. I hate her for not responding to me in the way I want, in the way that I need to be fulfilled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then leave? What’s the problem? I’m afraid to unfriend her because then she will be cold to me (isn’t she already cold and unempathetic?) and then I would not have someone as a companion, as it is, I already have a very small pool of quality friends, but then this is puzzling why do you put her up so high when she clearly does not deserve or even meet slightest of your emotional requirements? Is it because you are fearful to lose companionship(but you are already not having much of companionship-she can’t even offer you a hug).She is trouble and you should stay away.

I feel the anger reached its’ peak just now. So it is safe to say that the emotion and and this issue is connected. At least I identify it correctly. !

 

I feel my fear being superficially abated after ranting, and I know that I will be agitated in a few days time. Why? I think it’s got to do with my expectations with how she should behave.

Why do i impose such expectations on her? Is she even supposed to behave like I expect is that reasonable?When you impose on yourself such as being kind and caring naturally to others, you want her to do the same. But the thing is she is not always distant and cold, sometime she is warm and caring and open, but just a touch of that and when you are happy and slowly hooked, she just pulls back with no hesitation at all. I guess that is why Im feeling so much anger as well, the unbalanced pain that is inflicted upon me. The pain that I feel, but that she does not feel. That’s why i want to provoke her and say mean things to her so that she will share some of the pain that I feel, and that I will not be the only one hurting. It’s only a vicious unhealthy relationship and interaction that will eventually leaving both party not happier than the other. What a meaningful relationship :LOL. Basically you like the sajiao and feminineness that she has, and you are quite unwilling to let go/ lose that and when coupled with your unfulfilled emotional needs, you are stuck in this rut of trying to control her into what you want her to be and fail and get angry because you can’t have what you want. But to me, I see it as notice the pleasure you get from teasing her, and playing with her, observe that, and then try to understand why you enjoy it, and slowly let go of that/ As for your expectations, start with noticing and being aware of your expectations of her.

 

 

 

 

Unbridled

1st January 2018- I start the year with anxiety, hope, optimism and fear.

And this is how I ended the year of 2017- With some enlightenment, an open conversation that results in lightness in the heart because of the acceptance of the way reality and truth works, and as emotions are complex, obviously there are some slight heaviness that are the result of the jarring but clear reflection of the not so pretty- ugly parts of me staring back at me: my selfish desires, my completely human needs of dependence and attention, and the delusions and manipulations that are part and parcel of the push and pull factor of human relationships.

The last day of 2017 is the epitome of how my life, regardless of the different narrative and people in it, would be meaningful. Enlightenment, good conversations and a brutally (too-honest) relationship with my emotions.

Some Highlights of 2017-

Off the top of my head:

  • Google internship
  • First time stepping foot in China
  • PNES
  • Accepting my family institution (finally) for all its’ quirkiness and flaws.
  • Getting my heart broken quite a plenty times.
  • Get my heart really really broken.
  • Letting go and being okay with the drifting apart of the deepest relationship/friendship that I have ever forged. One that I was so so so fearful/ scared of losing.
  • First date ever HAHA. OMG AWFUL SHIET ahahahha
  • Losing my unhealthy self association with meditation, and eventually stepping out into the world without the shield of meditation. In other words, finding my own self.
  • Starting to love myself- respecting myself by doing things that serve me, investing in people that deserve my energy and time. Through a painstaking series of event and experiences that made me realised that I am loved and cared for by people that I didn’t expect from, and in ways I never knew. And I know now that all I really wanted was the affirmation that I was loved, and with that, I was able to blossom into “I am worthy/enough” and consequently a steely determination and strength that continues to surprise me at each turn and obstacle.
  • Sexual encounters hahah! RAGRETS- It is a turning point in my life though, grossly enough and cringey and wincey enough, because my sexual energy was unleashed and it kinda gave me the confidence/ validation I never had in my body, in seeing myself as a sexual partner. Accepting my body and slowly learning to love it and treasure it even more.
  • Having ghostly encounters, that just makes me realise that we all want things, and that we are all pretty similar. In both good and bad ways. We are all a little bit of each other, whether we like it or not.

Which would be the highlightest highlight?

 

SO how would I summarise 2017 in one word: it seems to be alot of losing, not weights unfortunately hahaha. But definitely unexpected . Unexpected in terms of how events turn out, unexpected in how I handled them, and unexpected at how I am still fucking alive and kicking and ready to kick more ass.

I’d like 2018 to be one that is BOLD. in terms of how I live it, bold in terms of conquering, bold in terms of my ambitions, and bold in terms of loving, falling and failing. But oh well, all is unexpected. So, bring it on, exams-omg!!!!

An important question I should also ask is, has 2017 made a kinder, more compassionate, wisdom person? I think I increased in my confidence and sense of self, while decreasing in wisdom, but not maturity/..

 

A warm refuge in a slab of ice

So, I am writing in today because, (what’s new), I am brimming with emotions, and there’s a fantastic song on play – Easy by Seinabo Sey, for writing.

I don’t quite know how to describe this feeling inside, it’s a mixture of resentment, longing, confusion, fear, jealousy(?), and bloody physical discomfort- itching Geez, and a bloody ass on fire.

I can’t quite adapt to the change in emotions, more specifically in the changes in warmth and coldness, it’s like when you make wax hands at funfairs, they dip your hand in scalding hot water, just long enough for the sensation to make you wince, then they pull your hand out, and in a short-lived relief, then dip your hands into the polar opposite – ice cold water. The sudden change in temperature numbs your hands, a natural physiologial response to protect you. Mentally and emotionally, I suppose there is a similar reaction, where emotions and feelings just bubble and simmer, culminating in numbness, but before that stage, (where I am right now), I just can’t quite adapt to these fluctuations and it is making me frustrated, it is making me stomp around in childish tantrum. It’s making me go deep into my cognition only to surface without the appropriate words to describe exactly how I feel. It is making me feel so gahhsdkdjkdjkjkajfdkladsfljk, a garbled mess of word-salad that reflects the polarity of emotions that I feel from the  push- and-pull I experience.

How old am I again? 22 in less than a day, yet you  are able to literally make me beg for your attention, and then only to cold-heartedly pluck it away as and when you decide. My happiness tumbles out of my will, falls under your mercy and into your slave I crumble to. I guess that’s how the drug dealers continue to run and peddle drug, on that sheer enjoyment and high they get, where only an unsatisfiable “more” will suffice. In the case of drugs, whose fault is it really? The drug dealer can only do what he can, peddle drugs-do you blame him? The druggie can only crave for more, what else does he know? “You are my drug” is now a phrase I understand for the first time and not with joy that I come into this enlightenment. 😦

Maybe I am oversensitive, maybe I ‘m childish, maybe I have attention and attachment issues, maybe I am just a bundle of emotional energy really. I am a bloody expressive-ist (yeah, I create this word). You’re so mismatched that it somehow matches, you’re so incompatible that it hurts that we (in my view) are so compatible, you are so straight that it hurts to be gay, and finally, you are so cold  but my refuge is your warmth;  Why does reality have to be so twisted?

But to say that I really like/love you, not quite, it’s pretty competitive, but to say that I don’t like you, not quite, I get a warm fuzzy feeling when I see you, and to say that I like you, not quite, you gross me out pretty much sometimes, but to say that I don’t like you, not quite, I fantasise about touching and squeezing places that I shouldn’t think about, and to wish that you would say that you like me back.  A dream that stays in the realms of impossible. Oh well, this is as honest as honest gets. I guess.

Love me love me, say that you love me, at least pretend that you love me. Just say it. leave me leave me…..

Well, you know what. I can do alone too. 🙂

 

 

 

The moment I dropped

The moment I dropped craving for a relationship,

Was the moment that I started to look after and build up myself.

The moment I realised the delusion of a relationship makes you happy ,

Was also when I realised that i was desperately looking for something to making me happy, and was willing to compromise my happiness for that little bit of spark.

That moment meant no longer putting effort and energy into things that dim my glow, and people that did not fit me.

That is the moment i saw my value.

That is the moment I start investing in myself.

That is the moment I start dating myself, learning about my solitude, my despairs, my loneliness, my happiness and my anger.

That is the moment I started loving myself, the partner I have lived the longest with, and will live the longest with.

Recollection of so called inspirational n successful peers

Interesting.

1) I no longer feel sadness or loneliness when I don’t fit in. Sure, there is the occasional discomfort of where should I pretend to stand at, or belong in, just to look as though I was doing something in the party, but overall, party was full of superficial conversations and fake closedness. No regrets about having forged two (just two) meaningful conversations 🙂 That made me happy.

2. Surprisingly, slightly fun evening but not a meaningful one at all. Sure, very transient laughter that came from the occasional dirty jokes, I do wish it’s everyone faking or pretending to enjoy for the rare ocassions, and that they had forged better relationships with others in other situations, as it felt really empty. Emptiness was embraced. Neither as an unpleasant phenomenon nor a pleasant one i think.

3. Impartiality: im not really complaining about the party, its just that im saying it in a very neutral way, and that my emotions and stability of mood is maintained and very much in my mind’s control.

4. Triggers of emotions: definitely felt that emotions were triggered by his ego and her faking and anger, that it just caused me so much negative energy and bad vibes. Managed to come back to the mind by reminding that it’s just soundwaves from behind and soundwaves from the side.

Anger .

To the bitch who stole my phone

It was a good time at the bar, I plugged in my phone to just show off the ad free music that I have, everyone was having a good time, laughing and smiling, reminiscing about good times and happy memories.

Then as we were about to leave, we went to look at the phone, where was it? It’s okay, probably we will get it the next day. The store owners would probably be kind enough to keep it and return the next day.

But no, you major fucker, whoever you are, decided to switch my phone off and have fun at the misery of me losing all my phone contacts, information etc. You, who fucking selfishly wanting to cash in on my phone. You know what I wish for you???? If you are in a fucking business, I hope you lose your gadgets one hour before an important ass bussiness pitch.

If you are a student or some adolescent, I hope the cloud of depression follows you everywhere you go, like how you have caused me such misery this few days. I hope guilt will trail behind you, and people will whisper when you walk past them, people will see through your smiles that you are a petty thief that steals phone, to cash in on whatever fucking bad habit that you have. I hope that the cigs that you inhale burns your mouth, I hope the lover you love cheats on you and that your dick gets stuck in something so small that it cuts your penis skin as it comes out. I FUCKING HATE YOUrashbag of a life you fucking arsehole. And if you are one of the storepeople who stole it, I hope that you slip and fall and not die, but lose your arm or leg, and have nurses who torture the shit out of you before cutting you piece by piece and then leaving you to die in isolation. you major fucker.

Hi, I am

Hi, my name is Vu, and let me tell you about my life.

Everyday, I browse FakePeoples to make myself feel like I’m doing something about my professional life while procrastinating on what helps me to be professional.

I get a thrill trying to make someone like me. Except it never fills me up, instead it is an unquenchable thirst I have to get a fill from everyday. Filling up the never good enough to be liked, only to be crashed when your idea of whether you are good enough is so fragile, as it hangs on what others think and would do for you, as a trade of what they think of you.

I look at RunAwayFromYourLife everyday to stop my anxiety and stress.

I swallow a RubyourClit Pill to escape from the thoughts running through my head, racing through timezones of past and futures.

I drown myself in constant varying wavelengths to seek refuge from my thoughts, boredom and aversion.

I’m Vu, and yeah my life is pretty much that of every other 21 year old Millenial. But it’s not that bad and depressing and empty. Because I have a secret.

When I stare into the mirror at 3:48am, when the only sound left is the insects outside, when everything else has paused, what I see, what looks back is tired eyes, a face that resembles the not too attractive grandmother, like a plate that is too big for all that it contains, and wrinkles of a haggard life. All falsehood of attractiveness just falls away, what remains are four words- who are you kidding?

 

 

Adulting 304

Putting a fancy number in to justify the struggle through adulting life. 

When people talk about an internship with Gweek, it goes something like that: I had the most exciting,  fantastic summer of my life,  I did <insert life changing experience>, <insert smiling photo with a scenic tourist icon in an exotic place,  and of course,  don’t forget the Nwek cap.  >

My experience isn’t too bad either. I spent half of my internship avoiding smart people because I think I am not good enough/not worthy enough of their precious time,  and spent the rest of the time stressing over whether I will be able to prove to them that I am half worthy of the food and pay or air I breathe there. 

This is not the first time this happens: I have the courage and skills(somehow I don’t know how haha)  to fight for and get a coveted position, and to be honest I love the thrill of being up there and being amongst the best.  And that is exactly where things start to go down.  Once I’m up there,  I start to falter, to doubt whether I really belong there, to think it is a mistake that they hired me,  I was just one lucky plain Jane. I shrink into what this voices tell me I am: a ball of uselessness, and I hear other people saying it too,  in every unnoticed wave,  in every side glance,  in every tense smile; I hear it loud and clear:  You were a mistake. You are such a fucking joke.  You do not deserve to be here,  you pathetic failure. Get the fuck out off here. I shrink myself into invisibility, inconspicuousness, for that’s what I feel I deserve, nobody’s time, nobody’s attention,  for I am not compatible with my the existence I crave to be with. 

The voices get louder and louder, and the courage and tenacity that ignited all these insecurities, drown.  I surrender myself to helplessness, for what can the flailing attempts of a man’s body do against the ruthless and unwavering body of water? 

I wish that , I look for airways to escape,(telling myself that this isn’t really for me,  happiness will come somewhere else). And alot of times,  because of the position I put myself in,  the pathetic little loser,  I’m always,  and also part of my upbringing,  I impose a lot of rules on myself like you can’t do this,  you can’t do that,  you would be punished if you do this,  you just cannot do that, but as I’ve trialled and errored,  I think that there is actually no wrong to anything. 

This is me now. 

But not me in the future.  I am learning to be grateful for my space, to treat it with respect and own it.  To trust in myself that I deserve to be in any (big)  space, be it MGS, be it BGF,  be it Gwek, by hook or by crook they will become places I own. Not owned by fear, insecurity and doubt,  they continue to exist, but by triumphing over these demons,  I own them.