I

The tears finally flowed up. The clogged up drain is opened. I feel so much better.

Yet what floats up on is copious but not dangerous (yet) amounts of shame, fear, confusion, helplessness, which is considerablly lesspainful and wrath-inducing than the suffocating perils induced by suicidal thoughts, tension, violent stabbing thoughts.

It’s not pain. It’s a defense mechanism to escape from the complicatedness and intricacies of first and foremost shame, guilt, anger, hatred, and numbness. Of invalidation, of a direct rejection from the only person you care about in this world.

It comes and it goes. When it goes there is a little relief, a little normalcy resumed, then it comes in a little warning of irritability and anger, which culminates in death and violence.

Particularularly with knives and stabbing.

What the actual fuck happened.

I am losing my sanity. I am losing my mind. The way my mind goes into extremes I am so so so so so fearful. I am going to become crazy.

And she will blame me and I will blame me and she will blame herself and she will die and I will die and I will die of guilt.

I should’ve never ever met you Sei I should have never talk to you.

My brain cells are reducing I can feel it.

Am I seeing things now

I do visualise murder alot.

At the core of it all I am so very alone. I am so so how do you tell people this thoughts of yours. Nobody would want to hear this ever.a part of me that shall never see the light. That’s why people are paid to hear this shit. In darkness it hides, in darkness I remain.

Slipping

And my grip is slippery.

Knives.

Wrists.neck

Death

In search of abyss

In search of escape from

The mask that I wear.

It is consuming me.

Anything. A drug. A cigarette. Anything.

Please numb me from this pressure pressimg down onme.

I can’t take it anymore.

*Can anybody hear me*

A deafening but silent

Cry for help.

To no one, because someone will hurt you with it. Somehow or another. Always.

Perhaps it might one day be of my good fortune,

That all I had was tears, as my loyal companion.

Who knows?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I have severe depression

I can barely stand up straight.

The cloudness of sadness is choking me, literally. It’s wrapping me around my neck, tightly and suffocating me to a slow and excruciating death. My emotions are full up to my neck, but they can barely escape, and they endure through silent expression of emotions, of abysmally loud cries of kill me, I want to die, please let me die, pleaase end this.

Even rose patterned curtains look like blood splattered on paper in the dark.

I want to die.  deafening but silent as death , my loneliness weighs on top of me. i can barely breathe.

how do i end this? how do i end this? i have reached no where but stuck in this pain, pain, painful place where I have nowhere to go, no escape to leave. one choice or the other is futile.

pleapse just help me leave.

nobody who should know knows, because I am trapped in my contorted expectation of wellbeing, for it will hurt her, it will destroy her to see me in this state, but I am destroying myself in this state.

I am beyond fucked. I am a mess that can barely hold my tendons, bones meat and bood together.

i want to die.

I am fearful, of what i will become. I am so very fearful, of the darkest demons insisde ofme, I am fearful that I become the slave to them. those thoughts have gotten a little bit louder than the whispers they used to be, a little more frequent.

i want to disappear into nothingness, never to reappear again.

I’ve been an actor for so long, I don’t know who I am anymore.

I am such a skilled¬† pupper, that I forgot that I’m merely manipulated by the puppeeteer,

and I am the puppet that got strangled in his own strings.

Depression is referred to as “That crazy boy who walks everyday,” “not my child”, “what is my fault”, it is toxic and i am dying.

and till then,

before it kills me, it is invicible.